Hans Landa and the Last Crusade
by sevenofmine
Summary: The reason I wrote this M-rated story is to get Landa a girlfriend and let him gain immortality with the Holy Grail from the last movie of the Indiana Jones trilogy. Despite scenes of Landa and his gf, I will make it a Bond-crossover later on as well and explain how he became the head of SPECTRE. Just have a look and review on how you like it and how you want it to be continued...


**I do not necessarily support any views that are expressed in the movie or in this fanfiction.**

 **This story contains explicit sex scenes, and due to the topics being talked about, it is rated M. However, it is not recommended to be read by people younger than 18.**

 **If you find grammar mistakes in any language, please write me a PM and I will correct it.**

„Avez-vous été en France avant?/ _Have you ever been to France before_?" the French police officer Montpellier asked.

"Oui. Plusieurs fois./ _Yes. Several times_ ," the SS soldier answered with a smile.

He was smaller than the French officer had expected, but were the same grey uniform that all the other men of his kind wore, and he wondered whether his heart was grey as well. The Frenchman turned when he heard boot steps entering his office. "Ah, c'est l'autre officier de la SS/ Ah, that's the other SS officer," he explained, and when the woman in the black uniform stood next to him, he introduced, "Monsieur Landa, c'est la Mademoiselle Oberhauser. Mademoiselle, c'est Monsieur Landa, d'Allemagne aussi./ Mr Landa, this is Mademoiselle Oberhauser. Mademoiselle, this is Mr Landa, also from Germany."

„Es freut mich, Sie kennenzulernen./ _Pleased to meet you_ ," Hans Landa said with a smile and put forth his hand.

"Ich habe schon viel von Ihnen gehört./ _I've heard a lot about you_ ," the woman with black hair and very pale skin answered. "Mais, me permittez-vous la question: Vous n'est pas d'Allemagne, mais d'Austrich, n'est-ce pas?/ _But, allow me to ask: You're not from Germany, but from Austria, are you not_?"

Landa nodded.

"Oh, c'est ma faute./ _That's my mistake_ ," interrupted the French officer embarrassed. "Vous vous connaissez?/ _Do you know each other_?"

"Non, mais l'accent est très clair./ _No, but his accent is very distinctive_ ," she explained with the hint of a smile on her face.

"Bon," Landa ended the smalltalk. "Vous nous avez appelés. Pourquoi?/ _You have called for us. Why_?"

"C'est un peu difficile./ _That's a bit difficult_ ," admitted the police officer.

"Ich werde es mal einfach machen./ _I'm gonna make it simple_ ," said the female SS officer. "Vor zwei Tagen haben sich alle Juden aus dem Dorf, zusammen mit den Dorfältesten in dem Haus dort verschanzt. Wir hätte es gestürmt, aber die Mauern sind aus Stein, und soweit wir wissen lagern sie dort auch ihr Schießpulver. Ich bin gestern hier angekommen…um zu „verhandeln". Ich nehme an, ich habe nicht gut verhandelt, sonst wären Sie nicht gekommen, habe ich Recht?/ T _wo days ago, the Jews and town oldest fled into this house over there. We would have stormed it, but the walls are made of stone, and we believe they are storing their gun powder in there. I arrived here yesterday…to 'negotiate'. I assume I didn't negotiate well enough, or you wouldn't have come, would you_?"

"Nehmen Sie es nicht persönlich. Ich habe lediglich den Befehl erhalten, mir ein wenig die Lage anzuschauen, und Bericht zu erstatten. Ich war gerade in der Nähe…hatte etwas im Süden Frankreichs zu erledigen./ _Don't take it personally. I just got the order to have a look at the situation and report back. I happened to be around…I had some matters to deal with in the South of France_ ," he explained politely. He hadn't encountered many female officers in such high positions before – especially not if he hadn't heard about them.

The French officer, who did not speak a word of German, silently led them to the big assembly hall in the middle of the small town.

"Was lächeln Sie denn?/ _Why do you smile like this_?" Landa asked when Mme Oberhauser could not stop grinning.

"Ihr Akzent. Sie sind eindeutig Österreicher./ _Your accent. You definitely are Austrian_."

„Schuldig im Sinne der Anklage./ _Guilty as charged_ ," he answered laughing. Many fellow German officers have ridiculed his accent, most them now either dead or not working anymore. But there was something nice and calm in the voice of that woman that made him understand that she did not mean any offence. She had something that made him confident in her presence. Was that how she had climbed the ranks?

"Combien de fois avez-vous parlé avec le juives ?/ _How often have you spoken to the Jews_ ? " Landa asked curiously.

"La police d'ici, nous avons parlé plusieurs fois avec elles jusqu'à ce qu'elle arrivât./ _We spoke to them several times before she arrived_ , " the French officer explained.

"Et moi, j'ai essayé négocier deux fois hier, et une fois j'ai parlé avec leur représentatif ce matin./ _And I have tried negotiations two times yesterday, and once this morning with their representative_ ," the German officer said.

Landa nodded. There was something not right here. Why haven't they blown this house into piece and be finished with it? He turned to his fellow officer and decided to talk German. "Reden wir mal Klartext: Warum gehen die Franzosen nicht rein und bringen alle um?/ _Let's speak freely: Why don't the Frenchmen go inside and kill everyone_?" he asked in a soft voice.

Officer Oberhauser sighed. She had known that he would ask this question.

"Geiseln?/ _Hostages_?" he asked.

She nodded. "Die Franzosen haben uns noch nicht gesagt. Sie wollen das Haus nur nicht stürmen, so viel wissen wir. Aber wir glauben, dass sich in dem Haus hochrangige Offiziere der Polizei aus Lyon befinden, die diesem Dorf vor drei Tagen einen Besuch abgestattet haben./ _The French haven't told us. They just said they wouldn't want to storm the building, that's all we know. But we think that high-ranking officers from Lyon are in there who came to visit this town three days ago_."

"Und woher wissen wir das?/ _And how do we know that_?"

"Sie sind höherranging, Colonel, ist das nicht ihre Aufgabe?/ _You're higher-ranked than me, Colonel, isn't that your task to know_?" she answered in exactly the same smooth voice as he did when he wanted to set someone up – or just be charming. His facial expression however made her realised that he had known all along. "Warum sind Sie hier?/ _Why are you here_?" she demanded to know.

"Ich habe Verstärkung mitgebracht. Falls die Franzosen Widerstand leisten würden, wenn wir ihre eigenen Männer umbringen./ _I've brought backup for the case that the French oppose us when we kill their own men._ "

"Berlin hätte auch im deutschen Hauptquartier in Lyon anrufen können. Das hätte ich auch alleine regeln können./ Berlin could have called the headquarters in Lyon. I could have dealt with this matter on my own."

"Keine Sorge, sie haben auch ihre Rolle: Sie nehmen Monsieur Montpellier mit und erklären ihm was wir tun. Und dann unterhalten wir uns über einen Ortswechsel…man hat mir sie empfohlen für einen Job, den ich in Paris zu erledigen habe./ _Don't worry, you've got your part in the play: You accompany Monsieur Montpellier back to his office and explain to him our further proceeding. And then we talk about a little change in landscape…you've been recommended to me for a job I have to do in France._ "

It was three days later that Fräulein Oberhauser arrived with Colonel Landa in Paris. The first night, he took her out to one of the pubs that were crowded with German officers. As a gentleman as he was, he let her sit down, and poured in a glass of wine.

"Frankreicher Bordeaux, 1936./ _French Bordeaux, 1936_./ Ich habe keine Ahnung, ob ein alter Jahrgang gut oder schlecht ist./ _I have no idea whether an old year is good or bad for a wine_ ," he joked and she smiled kindly.

"Well, I'm terribly sorry for switching to English but I think we have a better chance of leading a private conversation like this. Hardly any of these men you see in this room talk enough English to understand us. Or do you speak any other language in that we shall communicate?"

"Io ho udito che si parla italiano?/ _I've heard you speak Italian_?"

« Sì, è vero./ _Yes, that's true_ ," he answered surprised. He hadn't met many officers yet who spoke many language, or at least two apart from English. Slowly he began to understand why she had been recommended to him for the job he had to do. But first he needed to sort some rumours…

« Ma penso che il mio inglese è meglio./ _But I think my English is better_ ," she admitted. "However, I am intrigued now what is so private that we talk about it in a public place but still in a different language?"

"You," he said and waited for the waitress to serve the starter. While picking up his fork, he enjoyed the puzzled look on her face. Did she suspect what he wanted to talk about?

"Feel free to ask anything you want," she offered.

She was good, he admitted, and directly went for it: "Your parents are Jews. You are a Jew." He let his words sank in and watched her face become even paler. She hadn't even picked up her cutlery.

"Himmler himself knows."

"I know. He was the one who recommended you to me."

"My parents were Jews, that's right," she admitted and started eating as well. "When the search for hiding Jews started in my home town, Kleve, I betrayed my parents and asked to join the SS. I do not see myself as a religious person, and with the help of some SS officers my true identity was hidden as long as I promised to serve the Schutzstaffel." She looked at him bluntly, waiting for a reaction.

Landa simply nodded. "Do you think Jews should not have the same rights as Germans? That they are less valuable than people?"

She knew it was a trick question. She had been asked those often. And she had always replied with yes. Yes, they were. But this time she hesitated. Hans Landa was different. That what she had heard. You could not be as efficient in your job as he was when you actually believed the bullshit of propaganda. What did he want to hear? What they were supposed to believe? Or what she truly thought? She decided to risk it.

"I am a Jew. And I am German. The questions alone contradict themselves." She admitted to herself that he was a very difficult man to read. He was capable of the perfect poker face, and nothing gave away his true thoughts or intentions.

"You were in Spain for the Spanish civil war and assisted the German commanding officers. Is that true?"

"Yes. I was sent there because I am fluent in Spanish."

"Habla con fluidez el Inglés, el Italiano e el Español ? / _You speak fluently English, Italian and Spanish_ ?" he asked surprised.

"Sí, y parece que usted también./ _Yes, and it seems you, too_./ I went to a private school in Düsseldorf," she explained calmly. She did not know what to think of him except for that he was hotter than she had been told. She knew about the many women he had had – and how popular he was back in Berlin. And she couldn't blame the women…

"I just have a natural interest in learning foreign language. It comes in handy. But I am also a bit older than you, my dear Fräulein, and have had more time to study this exquisite hobby of mine."

The waitress served the main meal, and Landa explained to Katarina Oberhauser that he was looking for a French girl who had escaped him a while ago and that he believed her to be living in Paris now. While the dessert was being served, he questioned her about her working methods and how far she would go to reach what she wanted.

It was way after 11 pm when they arrived at the hotel they were staying at. Her room was a floor under his but he accompanied her to the door. Both didn't know what to say, as there was something between them that made each of them uneasy in the presence of the other.

"Möchten Sie…vielleicht noch auf einen Tee mit reinkommen?/ _Would you like to…come in on a tea_?" she finally asked. He seemed relieved and accepted.

Inside the room, as soon as the door had fallen locked, it did not take more than a few seconds for him to push her against the wall and press his thin lips onto hers.

"Darauf habe ich den ganzen Abend gewartet," he admitted while his hands were gliding down her shoulder, over her boobs and between her legs. _(I have waited the whole evening to do this.)_

"Ich auch," she answered and moaned when he touched her thighs. _(Me too.)_

He tore open her uniform and threw it onto the ground. Her blouse, tie and trousers followed. He grabbed her by her arms and threw her very ungently onto the bed. He climbed over her and her hands pulled his head down to hers. The faster they breathed, the more they turned each other on.

Without her even needing to ask, he pulled out a condom from his leather jacket that he was still wearing.

"Allzeit bereit, hm?" she asked and he got rid of her bra and pants. _(Be prepared, right? Lit. Always prepared.)_

He didn't answer slowly penetrated her. She moaned louder for every centimetre that he entered her. She grabbed his head and pulled it between her breasts. His pelvis moved back and forth while he was licking her nipples until they were as hard as his penis. He gently fondled her heavy breasts while she ruffled his brown-grey hair. It took neither of them to gasp loudly as they climaxed, nearly even at the same time, and he sank down next to her on the bed, still fully dressed. When he came back to breath, he asked, "Da ist noch ein zweiter Job, den ich zu erledigen habe." _(There's a second job I have to do.)_

„Denkst du immer über die Arbeit nach?/ _Do you always think about work_?" she wondered loudly. However, it did not turn her off. She turned towards him and looked into his beautiful eyes.

"Hitler sucht den Heiligen Gral. Ein amerikanischer Archäologe ist kurz davor ihn zu finden./ _Hitler is looking for the Holy Grale. An american archaelogist is about to find it_ ," he said and kissed her.

She was confused. How did he win all that women when work was everything he could think of? On the other hand, there must be a reason why no woman stayed with him.

"Ich glaube der einzige Job der in nächster Zeit zur erledigen ist, ist ein Blowjob./ _I think the only job we have to do right now is a blowjob_ ," she said and went down on him…

* * *

 **This is just a short one-shot - or chapter, depending on you. Would you like me to continue writing how Landa meets Indiana Jones and how he, and Fräulein Oberhauser gain immortality and end up facing James Bond?  
**

 **I know it's a bit difficult to read their spoken text, but I wanted to keep it authentic as in the original film, but subtitles in a written text would be difficult, so I'm sticking with writing first what they say, and then the English translation.**

 **It would also be nice if you could quickly say if you want more details about the relationships of Landa and this made-up character...giving Landa a girl and immortality is the basic reason why I started writing this story^^**

* * *

 **If anyone keeps wondering: I am German, I speak fluently English, rusty French, quite well Spanish, and a bit Dutch and Portuguese. I have only very, very limited knowledge of Italian (I'm actively improving it though), but due to the other Romanian languages I speak I can translate simple sentences.**

* * *

 **PS: It really hurts writing 'Fräulein Oberhauser' - no one *EVER* uses the title 'Fräulein' anymore...  
**


End file.
